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I am praying for you. God says, “Come unto me all you who are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, and I will give rest to your soul. Remember that He loves you with an amazing love in spite of what you do, and does not hold you accountable for your mistakes and sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross which took that away. You are forgiven. He freely gives you grace (unearned favor) and you don’t have to work so hard to earn it. Also, in Jesus, you are a new person—the old has passed away and everything is new, so don’t dwell on your past regrets. Focus instead on Jesus and His love, grace and goodness. It is His business to transform you into that new person. All you have to do is submit to Him. Here are some scripture passages to look at: 1 John 1:9, Rm. 3:22-24, Rm. 5:5-11, Eph. 2:8,9, Psalm 103, and Psalm 139.
You are on the right track by wanting to seek God and a relationship with Him. He says that if you seek Him you will find Him if you seek with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13). So keep it up. Don’t focus on yourself and either your short comings or your good works, but look to Him. Spend time in His presence reading His word (lectio divina) and ask Him to speak to you through it. Spend time praying and being silent. Thank Him for what He has done and is doing. Praise Him for who He is. Learn about Him. Look around you and notice what He is doing in the world and in your life. Put your focus on Him, not what you want from Him. He will surprise you. He might not speak in words out loud or in your mind, but he may show you things and work in circumstances. Maybe a passage of scripture will “jump out at you,” or you will hear a song or sermon that speaks to you. This is God using that avenue to talk to you. Maybe you will experience supernatural calm and peace. Pay attention. As you get to know Him more, you will “hear” or “see” Him better.
I will continue to pray for you. Let me know how you are doing.
In His love,